Crying Should be Illegal


Kyra Arndt, Editor

It is a well-known fact that babies are the weakest members of the human population. And yet, I frequently run into many people attempting to imitate them. Ah, yes, crying has become an infectious plague. We must go back to the good old days when people were simply not allowed to feel emotion. Did our Founding Fathers cry when Great Britain started treating them unfairly? No! They just started a war—like real men do. 


Indeed, what is particularly disgusting is the emergence of men crying. God did not gift you with your superior brains and endowment just for you to succumb to your emotional hissy fits! If you want the privilege, you best believe you must take the emotional suppression that comes with it. 


Don’t even get me started on PDC—public displays of crying. Not only is one allowing their emotions to completely overpower them, but they also burden everybody else around them. They dare to create an open, safe environment—that sort of stuff is contagious. Before you know it, everybody is sharing and being vulnerable. It’s an utter disgrace.


Perhaps I can understand the need to cry in private. If you truly feel like you cannot keep your eyes from leaking, it is best to do it where nobody can see you. Wait, what’s that you say? You prefer to cry in the company of somebody who loves and supports you? Hiding your emotions just causes them to go unresolved, and thus, the pain grows bigger and bigger until eventually it erupts in an unhealthy way? But crying is a healthy way to process emotions and is a completely normal human activity? NAHHHHHHHHHHH. I prefer my simple viewpoint: if people don’t cry, then everything must just be okay. Everything is okay, right?